How to Survive the Zombie Apocalyse – 2005 Version

Here’s what I learned about surviving the zombie apocalypse based on my recent watching of the 2005 Dawn of the Dead

Fast zombies are no more dangerous than slow zombies. You just need to start shooting them sooner. (This is not to imply that zombies are not dangerous. They are.)

Beyond that survival seems to depend on what sort of person you are –

Number 1 – Don’t be an asshole. Even if you reform and act selflessly you’re still toast.

Number 2 – Don’t be gay.

Number 3 – Don’t have wild, out of wedlock sex.

Number 4 – Don’t be a woman in a non-traditional career (like driving a truck).

Number 5 – Don’t be an immigrant involved in a bi-racial relationship.

Number 6 – Don’t be a non-white man involved with a white woman.

Number 7 – Don’t be a devoted family man, even if you are a white guy. (Surprised me too!)

Number 8 – Don’t be a guy who can’t keep his commitments (gets divorced/doesn’t have a steady job).

Number 9 – Don’t be a long-haired guy.

Number 10 – Don’t be fat.

Number 11 – Don’t be a redneck – even a friendly harmless sort.

To survive the zombie apocalypse (according to Dawn of the Dead 2005) you want to be female – a young widow or orphan, a young white male (non-asshole variety) or a black male who has dedicated his life to maintaining the status quo. If you are said black male you can be a bit of an asshole as long as you never express any sexual desires.

You have been warned.